Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
