Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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