I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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