Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
