Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
