We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
