I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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