I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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