Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
