Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
