My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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