Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
