I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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