i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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