Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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