help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
