I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
