meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Randomize
