Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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