If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
