Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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