the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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