alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
