3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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