she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
