At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
