Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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