you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
