It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Randomize
