Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
