i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.