if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
