I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
