come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
