God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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