wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
