what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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