You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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