I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
