Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
