Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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