Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Randomize
