2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
