guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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