I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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