she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
