Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I want a musical about memes.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
