every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
