I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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