I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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