Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
