She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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