you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
