I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
