I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
