I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
